The worst conversation. EVER.

I had a horrifying conversation with my aunt and mother the other day.

Setting:  the family room of my house.  Mom, Aunt and I are all watching TV.

Aunt (I have no idea what led to this):  You know, it's very important for husbands and wives to have sex.
Me:


[Background info:  In my head, I'm still 17.  I don't know why I've clung to that age, but it's most likely because it was my last year of total and complete irresponsibility.  Sure, I had a job by then and some freedom, but I still lived at home, was not responsible for food or bills or laundry or little people.  I didn't even have to study yet.  My biggest worry was getting up before noon to get to a job that required folding sweaters.  It was great.  I don't necessarily mind being a "grown up", but sometimes, having no responsibilities and doing stupid shit for no reason whatsoever would be awesome.]

Anyway, because I'm still 17 in my head, I knew this conversation was going in the wrong direction, and fast.  Kinda like a speeding train racing headfirst into a cement truck.  In front of a brick building.  I am a virgin, after all.  Never mind I am married.  With 2 children.  (Sidenote:  I also had trouble looking at my parents the morning after my wedding as well as the day I told them I was pregnant.  If you need further explanation, I recommend watching the wedding night from Just Married.)

My aunt continued this disturbing conversation to teach me the finer points of marriage.  (This may have come in handy before getting married.  As it is, I've been married over 10 years and kind of know what I'm doing.  Kind of.  My husband may disagree.)  I appreciated her candor, but honestly, I'd rather think of my parents, my aunt, and pretty much anyone in a role of management as asexual.  It was all I could do to keep my eyes from bugging completely out of my head.

My mother (amused):  This is more than you ever wanted to know about this (read:  us), isn't it?
Me (outwardly smiling and nodding, trying to keep my ears from exploding):  Oh no, this is great.  Very enlightening.  I'll cherish this wisdom forever.  Thank you for sharing.

I'm going to lie down now.