While we're on the subject...

After my last entry, my siblings and I reminisced about our past Halloween costumes. My brother only remembers being a hobo and our father (not at the same time [although, when we talked about it, he wore a pair of blue workman’s pants and the filthy plaid jacket my dad would wear when working on the car, so I’m thinking my brother used the same materials, just tried to be creative by calling them different costumes]). My sister remembers being an 80’s chick, but it was the 80’s, so that wasn’t very creative. So, we pretty much suck at Halloween.

But, as a family, we are good at drinking (which is mostly why none of us can remember our costumes), and that made me think of Halloween last year, or as we now refer to it in my home, "The Drunken Debacle". And now I will share the story so you can all read my shame.

I like to fix people up. Well, sort of. I like to fix people up when it works well. If it doesn’t… I had nothing to do with it. And don’t bring it up to me. Ever. Again.

Anyway, my girlfriend was going through a divorce and feeling pretty low, so I thought a great date would cheer her up. I had the perfect guy. He’s a friend I’ve had forever, always up for meeting new people, always fun to be around. I figured he’d be perfect for her first time "out there" in 15 years.

So, I put together a happy hour at the local wine bar the day before Halloween. I think I’ve mentioned this wine bar before – they sell a wine that doesn’t give me hangovers? Right. Anyway, my co-workers, my brother, his girlfriend and my girl and guy friend all got together after work for a few drinks.

My brother, God love him, thought that ordering bottles of wine would be cheaper than buying by the glass. That, of course, is true, but you run the risk of the never-ending glass of wine. I normally know the number of glasses of wine I can handle, but since there was never an empty glass (due to my brother [God love him] filling my glass), I couldn’t keep track. I just figured I was a slow drinker that night. Or, most likely, I was drunk and didn't care. The wine was going down fiiiine.

My girlfriend and guy friend were seated (I’d like to think strategically, but I’m just not that good) together, with me across the table from them. I got the ball rolling, telling them each a little about the other. But, the more I drank, the more I liked the idea of them together. Man, they were cute. Did I say the following:

A) “You guys are so cute!”

B) “You have dark hair, he has dark hair! So cute!”

C)“You are tall, he is tall! So! CUTE!”

D) All of the above

If you answered D, you’d be correct.  

Gaah, I’m an idiot.

After a while, for whatever reason, we decided to go somewhere else. I always find this to be a mistake. Example? My sister’s bachelorette party 10+ years ago. We were having a grand ol’ time at our favorite neighborhood bar. My sister was appropriately attired in various penis bride-to-be paraphernalia and dancing on top of our table. But, I decided our favorite jukebox didn’t have enough rap/hip-hop music (a doy), so I wanted to go to another bar close by that offered dancing. What a mistake. We got there and everyone started to sober up. It got so bad, my sister tried walking home. So, yeah. Leaving a bar where you’re already having fun is a bad idea.

Same happened here. In those short minutes it took to drive to the next bar, I got extremely tired. I don’t even remember who picked the place or why. Since it was Halloween weekend, this bar was having a costume party. Not really fun for someone who was a) way drunk and b) didn’t have a costume. I spent my time at this bar drinking loads of water. Or, I wish I had been that smart. This part of the night was pretty hazy. Here’s what I remember of the 10 minutes we were at this bar.

1. I peed for a very long time as soon as we got there (in the bathroom [which, at this point, I considered an accomplishment] [I also picked the right icon on the door for "girls", another major accomplishment]).
2. In the time I was in the bathroom, I lost most of my party.
3. My girlfriend’s estranged husband showed up at the bar and took her home. Don’t know how he got there, don’t know when she had a chance to tell him where we were.
4. If I remember correctly (which I don't), my guy friend got my girlfriend's number before she left.
5. My guy friend was stuck having to drive my drunkass home – a half hour or longer out of his way.

The next day was spent... not in a good place (I'll spare you the details). My sainted husband took the boys away for the day so I could suffer in silence recuperate in peace. I felt like death warmed over twice (like twice baked potatoes) and couldn’t handle caring for myself, much less little people. The most I accomplished that day was watching 8 hours of MTV while sprawled out on the couch. And the only reason I watched that much MTV was because I couldn't muster the strength to find the remote control.

Luckily, I felt like a new person just in time for trick-or-treating.

Happy Halloween!