Happy holidays!

So, since I didn’t do a holiday post, I thought I’d do one now. It’s still the season, right?

I worked in retail for about 8 years. I started my career as a flipper of gyros in our local mall's food court. My family was friends with the owners and my brother already worked there, so I had an in. I made a mean gyro sandwich, let me tell you. Since I was a girl, I had to stay in the back, making sandwiches and washing dishes.  I certainly wasn’t allowed to work the cash register. (Not sure the owner knew that not only could I add, I could subtract, too.)

I lasted there about a year until a friend told me of an opening where she worked. I threw away my blue grease-stained work shirt and ran for the hills (or down the hall of the mall, as it were).

PS.  It took 3 months to get the smell of onions off my hands.

My next job took me to an overpriced men’s clothing store. It was a fairly easy job, we didn’t get as many customers as my friends did at the Gap or Limited. While that was fine with me, I also didn’t get the discounts my friends were getting, unless I wanted a new suit, which… I didn’t. But, there were a few things I learned while working there:

How to fold a sweater properly. You think you know how to do this until you learn The Way of Clothing Store Employees. I still fold my sweaters like this. I will teach my children’s children how to fold sweaters properly. It’ll be my mark on the world.

How to tie a bow tie. It’s easy once you practice for a few days. Did I mention it wasn’t very busy there?

How to tie a regular tie. And I’m not just talking one way. I could do a Double Windsor, the Half Windsor, The Prince Albert and the Four In Hand.

How to close a store for good. In my tenure with the company, I closed down 2 stores. Not that it had anything to do with me, but you can call me The Closer.

Through my years in retail, Christmas was the best and worst time of year. Worst, because we were working long hours and had actual customers. Best, because we were all hopped up on sugar and alcohol (which we liked to call the Christmas Spirit) and customers made us laugh.

One of my dearest friends worked with me and we used to come up with some good lists. One Christmas, we came up with a list of things we really wanted to say to customers. And since we’re ending the holiday season, I thought I’d say thanks to the great mall employees who have to deal with our sorry asses.

And I’m glad I’m not one of you anymore.

Top 10 Things We Really Want to Say to Customers

10. Okay, it's 8:59, time to go. There's a reason we shut off the music and lights.
9. No, we are NOT a Christian book store!
8. Socks do not make great Christmas gifts.
7. Really? You want me to wrap? And you actually want it to look nice?
6. You know, they have complimentary gift wrap down at Customer Service.
5. Or you could wrap it yourself.
4. Hey, I just folded that sweater. Oh, don't pretend you know the right way to refold it.
3. You're not seriously buying that, are you?
2. No, you cannot have four boxes for one sweater.
1. Would you like your receipt in the bag or up your ass?