Happy holidays!

So, since I didn’t do a holiday post, I thought I’d do one now. It’s still the season, right?

I worked in retail for about 8 years. I started my career as a flipper of gyros in our local mall's food court. My family was friends with the owners and my brother already worked there, so I had an in. I made a mean gyro sandwich, let me tell you. Since I was a girl, I had to stay in the back, making sandwiches and washing dishes.  I certainly wasn’t allowed to work the cash register. (Not sure the owner knew that not only could I add, I could subtract, too.)

I lasted there about a year until a friend told me of an opening where she worked. I threw away my blue grease-stained work shirt and ran for the hills (or down the hall of the mall, as it were).

PS.  It took 3 months to get the smell of onions off my hands.

My next job took me to an overpriced men’s clothing store. It was a fairly easy job, we didn’t get as many customers as my friends did at the Gap or Limited. While that was fine with me, I also didn’t get the discounts my friends were getting, unless I wanted a new suit, which… I didn’t. But, there were a few things I learned while working there:

How to fold a sweater properly. You think you know how to do this until you learn The Way of Clothing Store Employees. I still fold my sweaters like this. I will teach my children’s children how to fold sweaters properly. It’ll be my mark on the world.

How to tie a bow tie. It’s easy once you practice for a few days. Did I mention it wasn’t very busy there?

How to tie a regular tie. And I’m not just talking one way. I could do a Double Windsor, the Half Windsor, The Prince Albert and the Four In Hand.

How to close a store for good. In my tenure with the company, I closed down 2 stores. Not that it had anything to do with me, but you can call me The Closer.

Through my years in retail, Christmas was the best and worst time of year. Worst, because we were working long hours and had actual customers. Best, because we were all hopped up on sugar and alcohol (which we liked to call the Christmas Spirit) and customers made us laugh.

One of my dearest friends worked with me and we used to come up with some good lists. One Christmas, we came up with a list of things we really wanted to say to customers. And since we’re ending the holiday season, I thought I’d say thanks to the great mall employees who have to deal with our sorry asses.

And I’m glad I’m not one of you anymore.

Top 10 Things We Really Want to Say to Customers

10. Okay, it's 8:59, time to go. There's a reason we shut off the music and lights.
9. No, we are NOT a Christian book store!
8. Socks do not make great Christmas gifts.
7. Really? You want me to wrap? And you actually want it to look nice?
6. You know, they have complimentary gift wrap down at Customer Service.
5. Or you could wrap it yourself.
4. Hey, I just folded that sweater. Oh, don't pretend you know the right way to refold it.
3. You're not seriously buying that, are you?
2. No, you cannot have four boxes for one sweater.
1. Would you like your receipt in the bag or up your ass?

The Pepsi Challenge

So, almost my entire life, I've been a Coca-Cola drinker. When I was young, however, we always had Pepsi in the house, so it's not like I don't know what it tastes like. But, since I've been making my own decisions about what to drink, I've picked Coke.

For one, I think Pepsi is too sweet and leaves a gritty feeling afterward. I have never had this problem with Coke. Plus, my mom told me that Coke will settle your stomach and, since I have stomach problems, I figure drinking Coke all the time will help nip those problems in the bud.

I prefer Coke to be of the fountain variety. McDonald's has a great fountain Coke. I think it's the big straw. Really helps with a hangover. Second place goes to Coke in a can. Then the 2-liter. And lastly, if there was no other way and I was stranded on a desert island with nothing but the 20-ounce bottle, I'll take the 20-ounce bottle.

Yes, they all taste different.

Because I am such a connoisseur of Coke, I thought I'd pass The Pepsi Challenge my co-worker put together with flying colors ("thought" being the operative word here).

Here are the rules.

- You need 6 pairs to test, one Pepsi and one Coke in each round.
- Drink.
- Um, pick which is Pepsi and which is Coke in each round.

According to my co-worker, there's only a 10% chance of getting them all right (or even 5 out of 6) the first time. Pashaw, I say! How difficult could it be? I have been drinking Coke almost exclusively since I was a teenager. And I've drunk enough Pepsi to know I don't prefer it. I would surely win, no?

No.

I got 1 out of 6 right.

I shook my head in confusion. Surely, this was a mistake. Could all I know about Coke be wrong? Do I actually prefer Pepsi? Is the world flat?!

What I really think is that my co-worker mixed up his Cokes and his Pepsis and, in reality, I got 5 out of 6 right, and, therefore, he owes me a dollar.

But, fine, if I was wrong (I'm willing to accept defeat once), I demand a retest. This time with fountain pop. I'll be sure to get 100%. I don't care what his little Excel spreadsheet says.

Dude, where's my cat?

(disclaimer: I apologize to anyone I might offend, especially all you hoarders out there - it's a real disease)

So, the husband and I watched the best (and most horrifying) show in the world last night. It's called "Hoarders" on A&E. It follows the lives of people who keep everything. And when I say everything, I mean EVERYTHING.

Including garbage.

And poop.

POOP, people! And they walk around barefoot through this garbage.

And POOP!

I know I shouldn't be laughing at their misfortune. By watching this show, I have learned that hoarding is a real disorder and they can't help themselves. But, this one lady? She was so awesome. She didn't think she had a problem. And she was mad at her daughter and son for coming in there to disrupt her mess. So, while these men in masks and gloves came in there to shovel out all her garbage (seriously, you couldn't pay me enough), she was complaining to the camera that she'll never be able to find anything now. hee. Although she did tell them that she was missing her teeth. And if they found them, please don't throw them away.

I told the husband that if the men found her teeth and she put them right into her mouth, we were changing the channel.

But the best part was when they found a dead cat (A CAT!) under her pile of garbage in the family room. She was sitting outside in her rocking chair, eating what looked like a raw hot dog (no bun), when her daughter came out to tell her they just found a cat. And the lady was all, "A cayat?!" (she's from Louisiana - just another reason Louisiana should NOT be #1 in the best states poll)

Man, that part was hysterical. Was she really surprised they found a dead animal? I was half expecting them to find her dead husband. The cat was as flat as a pancake.  My husband and I were crying, we were laughing so hard.

"There you are, Fluffy!"

Then?  They found another dead cat in the kitchen.

"And here's Mittens."

Aaanyway, the show ended with the house cleaned and the woman (sort of) appreciative. She cried when they got her a new recliner (the one and only time she showed any emotion other than anger), so I guess that's something. Her children don't expect this will last. So then... what was the point of the show?

I am not a hoarder, but I have been known to keep some things. Our house seems to be the breeding ground for paper.  From now on, though, everything is going in the trash. I almost got out of bed last night to dust and vacuum.

You won't find my cat under a pile of garbage (and POOP!), no sir.

What a surprise. Not.

So, I was reading an article about the happiest states in the US and found that Ohio came in at number 44. Out of 51. Yeeeeahhh. Shocker!  Why do I live here again?

But, because I live here, I have to disagree with the list. The article said that this was based on a survey that basically asked people if they're happy. Well, sure. Who's going to say no except for the hard-working, honest people in places like Cleveland, Ohio? The weather's crappy, the job market sucks, we have a terrible football team. The only reason we're here is because our family is here. But, family makes us happy, so therefore, I believe we're happier than people in, say, Louisiana.

Also, it is my belief that most people are dumber below the Mason-Dixon Line (if the Mason-Dixon Line extended through the continental US). Their language is foreign to me - they have no qualms about double negatives, they take the 'g' off any word ending in 'ing,' they have a twang that just grates on your nerves. So, really, what do these people know about happiness? They can't even drive in snow.

So, take at least 20 states above Ohio off the list.

Then you've got those pesky states in the middle of the country. Very few people know exactly where Montana, Nebraska or the Dakotas are. That would make me unhappy.

And what about the southwest? The people are melting out there. They can't possibly be happy about that.

It rains all the time in Washington and Oregon, so those people certainly aren't happy.

Utah has the Mormons, you know they're unhappy.

That means Ohio should at least rank in the top 5. Right after Hawaii (because, really, who can't be happy in Hawaii), Colorado (which is just a cool state), Alaska (because you'd have to be crazy to live there and all crazy people are happy) and Massachusetts (for the wicked Bahstahn accent alone).

(My apologies to any state mentioned above I may have offended. Give me a break, I'm from Ohio.)

Tis the season

So, I was at the mall yesterday, amidst the throngs of Christmas shoppers. I happened upon the line for Santa Claus, which was long, but not too bad, and witnessed the funniest thing ever.

After taking a picture with Santa, a father handed his 4-year-old daughter $5. This man had to BRIBE his daughter to take a picture with Santa? What is the world coming to?

Taking money to sit on an old fat guy's lap? Gives new meaning to the words "ho ho ho."

Fine, I admit it

So, I was driving home from work the other day and was stopped at a red light. I looked over at the car next to me on the right and saw a women singing at the top of her lungs. This made me laugh out loud. Man, she looked hilarious. But then I realized I am also a car singer. Is this what I look like every time I jam to 2Pac? Yikes.

See, the car rides to and from work are pretty much the only times I have to myself. I certainly can't play the Notorious B.I.G. in the car with the boys. It's bad enough I have Andrew singing to Paul Anka. I can just hear him singing to his friends, "The world is filled with pimps and 'hos..."

Not only do I sing, but I dance in the car if it's a song I really like. I can just imagine what I look like to people on the outside. It's one thing to sing to a song while the windows are open and you can hear the music. It's quite another to see someone sing and bust a move when you can't hear what they're listening to.

It just looks like the person is having a seizure.

Yeah, I'm that guy.