Things I've Learned About Dogs

We've had Rocco almost 2 whole weeks. I think that alone makes me a puppy expert, so I thought I'd impart my wisdom onto the world. If you are thinking about adopting a puppy, this should help make your decision. And remember, you own the puppy, the puppy does not own you.

Yeah, right.

So, here are some things to keep in mind:

1. The liquid on your floor is almost always pee.
2. This is true even if you had just taken your dog outside to pee.
3. Twice within 30 minutes.
4. Puppies have the most energy at 5:30. A.M. 
5. Just like with infants, mothers are somehow the only people who hear when the puppy awakes at 5:30. A.M.
6. Puppies do not allow you to make coffee in the morning.
7. If you try, you will get pee on your floor.
8. Puppies think your hands (feet, clothing, hair) are their own personal chew toy.
9. What's considered "playful" by puppies is actually "painful" by humans.
10. Everyone in the world will want to pet your puppy. Even in this COVID-19 world. 
11. My sister says I am not allowed to Lysol a puppy.
12. Until you housetrain your puppy, you will clean up pee and (ugh, sometimes) poop no less than 5 times a day.
13. Cats are not the only assholes who pee all over the house. Go figure.
14. You will take a million and one pictures of the puppy, in various positions:
• Sleeping
• Sleeping upside down
• Sleeping on its side
• Laying down
• Sitting
• Sitting in your lap
• Eating
• Slow-motion video running (that never works out because he's too fast)
• Playing with your children
• Biting your husband (that one is pretty funny)
15. The cuter the pose, the faster they move from it when you sloooowly reach for your phone. It's like they know.
16. There is a thing I like to call "puppy psycho time", but is actually called "the zoomies", that happens every day around 8 in the evening. No idea what prompts it. 
17. There is also a thing called the "puppy pass-out" that happens right after "puppy psycho time".
18. The person who cleans up after the puppy and, more importantly, feeds the puppy becomes that puppy's "person". 
19. That's me. I'm the Person. 
20. I will not apologize for being the puppy's Person. As soon as one of these assholes I live with wants to take over these duties, they are more than welcome to become the Person. Until then, bugger off.

Oh and one last thing: A puppy who loves belly rubs is the single greatest creature on the planet.

I hope this information has helped as you make your decision to adopt or not. And if you have any questions about how to clean up dog urine, don't call me. I've already had my fill for the day.