So, I had to see a plastic surgeon recently for the thing on my head. Apparently, the thing on my head (heretofore known as TTOMH - eh, we'll call him TOM) has decided to stick around and my primary care physician just isn't cool enough to get it out, so I had to see A Professional.
When I've thought of plastic surgery in the past, I've thought face lifts, tummy tucks and boob jobs. So, when my doctor told me I'd have to see a plastic surgeon, I thought of all the things this guy could fix for me while I was in there. You know, since he's going to work on my head anyway, can't he just get rid of those lines around my mouth and the turkey neck thing I got going on? How hard could it be?
I met with the plastic surgeon. Man, his office is NICE. Very modern with a spa feel to it. Deep purple walls, red velvet couches, dimmed lights. I even think they had scented candles burning (isn't that a fire hazard?). I could just picture his other clients drinking mimosas while receiving complimentary Botox injections in the waiting area.
I didn't have to wait long. I was taken into an examination room by the nurse practitioner. He was all fancy, too. Dressed for a night of clubbing. Even the examination room was nice. It had a leather recliner for an exam table. My metrosexual nurse used a cool tablet thing to document my medical history rather than utilizing a boring old pen and paper chart.
From this day forward, I'll consider all my other doctors prehistoric and inferior.
The nurse took a picture of my... TOM. And, of course, he didn't use any old camera, certainly not a Polaroid. He had a handy dandy Nikon (or Canon) camera, the kind professional photographers use (or the kind I picture them using - I have no idea what professionals use).
Aaanyway, me? Impressed. And then I was left alone to read the many advertisements for things that could make me look better. I pictured the doctor coming in, taking one look at me, and listing all the things about me he could make better. There was this episode of Sex and the City? Where Samantha went to a plastic surgeon? And he took a black Sharpie and marked up her entire body, pointing out all her flaws that he could fix?
Okay, never mind. I don't need that.
The doctor came in. Finally, my head would be healed. Tall, dark and friendly, he was dressed smartly in a maroon button down shirt, black pants and white lab coat. Were these guys going clubbing at 9:00 am? Or just coming home from clubbing? Man, I wanted to be his friend. Until, he, of course, told me, after examination, that he wasn't taking TOM out right away. Apparently, TOM was not small enough and he was considerate enough to have me wait (another month or two) until TOM was small enough to remove with minimal scarring.
Gee, thanks, Doc.
Okay, sure, I appreciate minimal scarring, but... it's on my head. Covered by hair. Lots of hair. The only time anyone would ever see it is if I went bald. And I don't plan to make that fashion statement. Ever.
Whatever. Fine, I'll wait. But the next time I come in, I want the complimentary Botox injection. Or at least the mimosa.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Good gravy, what is THAT?!
So, remember back in October, we went to Boston for my cousin's wedding? My BFF stayed at our house to watch my boys for the weekend. Upon our return, she proceeded to mock the food in our house.
I took this all with a grain of salt. My BFF lives in the DC area. The people out there believe in all organic, all the time. She did the "baby-led" weaning for her first son, which meant no baby food. While I appreciate her theories on food, and sure, organic is great and all, I don't think what we have in the house is all that abnormal.
Until I cleaned out the pantry this morning.
I like to do a little cleaning out before we go to the grocery store. It helps to see what we need and what we don't. Turns out a) I don't do this nearly enough, b) I must normally limit the cleaning to the refrigerator and c) I'm not the only grocery shopper in this house. Today, I found:
Aaaanyway. I went to the freezer and found the mother load:
And then probably throw it all away in a few months.
I took this all with a grain of salt. My BFF lives in the DC area. The people out there believe in all organic, all the time. She did the "baby-led" weaning for her first son, which meant no baby food. While I appreciate her theories on food, and sure, organic is great and all, I don't think what we have in the house is all that abnormal.
Until I cleaned out the pantry this morning.
I like to do a little cleaning out before we go to the grocery store. It helps to see what we need and what we don't. Turns out a) I don't do this nearly enough, b) I must normally limit the cleaning to the refrigerator and c) I'm not the only grocery shopper in this house. Today, I found:
- 27 cans of golden mushroom soup
- 5 opened boxes of Triscuits
- 4 boxes of taco seasoning
- 3 opened packages of egg noodles
- 2 opened bags of Tostitos
- A box of graham crackers with an expiration date of August 2008
- Oreos - "They were on the end cap at the check-out. I HAD to buy them." And then my brother eats all of them when he comes to visit (which, I suppose, is better than me eating all of them).
- Taco seasoning - "I didn't know if we had any and thought, to be safe..." As if it's a national emergency if we are out of taco seasoning. I don't even like taco seasoning.
- Tostitos - "You can never have enough Tostitos." Which... is probably true.
Aaaanyway. I went to the freezer and found the mother load:
- 6 packages of mixed vegetables - which the kids won't eat (why do we keep buying it??)
- Ready-made hamburger patties that expired in 2009
- Tilapia from 2008
- Frozen steaks from 2008
- Mystery meat from 2008 - it has a date on it, but no other description
- Marinated Costco chicken from 2007
- A pork roast from my mother-in-law (she died in 2006)
- An unopened box of spanakopita that says, "Best Before Dec 16, 2006"
- We are not accepting meat from family.
- We are not buying and freezing anything that won't be eaten within a month.
- My husband is no longer allowed to do the grocery shopping.
And then probably throw it all away in a few months.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
How I spent my Saturday
So, three events took place yesterday.
1. I experienced my first baby sale.
No, it's not a place they sell babies (sorry, Mar). It's a place you go to buy hand-me-downs from complete strangers. Sounds retarded when you can get hand-me-downs for free (which I do often - thanks, Stef!), so I've never wanted to go before. But my girlfriend convinced me to go with her this time.
A few things about this adventure I didn't like:
Done and done.
And then I was on a mission. My dad has always said that everything's negotiable, and, boy, was he right. Every table, I loaded up, told the sellers I'd give $5 for all of this booty and they reluctantly agreed. One table, the woman looked at her husband before agreeing. Seriously, lady. It's either you sell all this to me for $2 or you're taking it back home with you. Your choice. I'll tell ya, haggling is fun. And as I became more acclimated to my surroundings, I shopped like I do normally... "Those people are crazy to sell that shirt for $4. I'll wait until it goes on sale."
So, now the boys have more play clothes. There's another one of these sales next week. You can betchersweetass I'm going!
2. A new swing set was installed in our backyard.
My in-laws bought the boys the greatest present ever: a new swing set. Our old one was, well, old and... kind of scary. And, since the boys and my nieces spend every day at our house, we wanted something nice and safe for them to play on this summer.
My husband has been pretty excited about this swing set. He prepared for the big installation all week, putting same-sized screws into baggies, organizing the pieces of the puzzle into their respective groupings. It's been entertaining to watch. At times, I thought he was more excited about this swing set than the boys were.
So, while I was getting great deals on used clothing, my brother and my husband's friend came to help my husband put together this monstrosity. The forecast called for rain all day, but, as usual, the weatherman was wrong (seriously, my cat can predict the weather better than any meteorologist). Yes, Mother Nature was on our side for once. The boys (men, whatever) were able to put the thing together all in one day.
It became a thing. My in-laws came over with pizza. We watched as pieces and parts morphed into ladders and rooftops, slides and rock walls. And then it was done. The boys took turns on the slide (and then finally let the kids play) until the rain made them all come inside.
The boys went out again this morning as soon as they were dressed. My 2-year-old is already an expert on the rock wall. My mother is not going to be happy.
3. I now have well over 2,000 songs on my iPod.
This was probably the most exciting thing for me yesterday. Last weekend, while visiting my BFF, she gave me all of her CDs to give to her sister. All of them. Man, I thought I liked music, you wouldn't believe the collection she has.
So, of course, before I gave the CDs away, I decided to import the ones I liked to my iPod. What are friends for, right?
My BFF is a big fan of soundtracks, which, let's face it, are where you find the good music these days. Songs-you-never-knew-existed-but-now-you-like all in one place? Fantastic. Throw in a couple greatest-hits-albums-you-wouldn't-buy-yourself-but-should-own-just-in-case, a few artists-never-heard-of-but-listened-to-for-a-sec-and-thought-eh-why-not and classical-music-so-you-look-well-rounded and you're good.
My next party is going to rock simply because of my playlist.
I currently have2,403 2,411 2,453 songs, which will take me precisely 6.9 7.0 7.1 days to hear them all.
And that's how I spent my Saturday.
1. I experienced my first baby sale.
No, it's not a place they sell babies (sorry, Mar). It's a place you go to buy hand-me-downs from complete strangers. Sounds retarded when you can get hand-me-downs for free (which I do often - thanks, Stef!), so I've never wanted to go before. But my girlfriend convinced me to go with her this time.
A few things about this adventure I didn't like:
- We had to get there at 6:30 for the good deals. In the morning. On a Saturday.
- I did not think to bring my own shopping bag. Or, in this case, big plastic garbage bag for all the loot.
- It cost $5 just to get in. $5 before you even saw if you'd want to buy anything.
Done and done.
And then I was on a mission. My dad has always said that everything's negotiable, and, boy, was he right. Every table, I loaded up, told the sellers I'd give $5 for all of this booty and they reluctantly agreed. One table, the woman looked at her husband before agreeing. Seriously, lady. It's either you sell all this to me for $2 or you're taking it back home with you. Your choice. I'll tell ya, haggling is fun. And as I became more acclimated to my surroundings, I shopped like I do normally... "Those people are crazy to sell that shirt for $4. I'll wait until it goes on sale."
So, now the boys have more play clothes. There's another one of these sales next week. You can betchersweetass I'm going!
2. A new swing set was installed in our backyard.
My in-laws bought the boys the greatest present ever: a new swing set. Our old one was, well, old and... kind of scary. And, since the boys and my nieces spend every day at our house, we wanted something nice and safe for them to play on this summer.
My husband has been pretty excited about this swing set. He prepared for the big installation all week, putting same-sized screws into baggies, organizing the pieces of the puzzle into their respective groupings. It's been entertaining to watch. At times, I thought he was more excited about this swing set than the boys were.
So, while I was getting great deals on used clothing, my brother and my husband's friend came to help my husband put together this monstrosity. The forecast called for rain all day, but, as usual, the weatherman was wrong (seriously, my cat can predict the weather better than any meteorologist). Yes, Mother Nature was on our side for once. The boys (men, whatever) were able to put the thing together all in one day.
It became a thing. My in-laws came over with pizza. We watched as pieces and parts morphed into ladders and rooftops, slides and rock walls. And then it was done. The boys took turns on the slide (and then finally let the kids play) until the rain made them all come inside.
The boys went out again this morning as soon as they were dressed. My 2-year-old is already an expert on the rock wall. My mother is not going to be happy.
3. I now have well over 2,000 songs on my iPod.
This was probably the most exciting thing for me yesterday. Last weekend, while visiting my BFF, she gave me all of her CDs to give to her sister. All of them. Man, I thought I liked music, you wouldn't believe the collection she has.
So, of course, before I gave the CDs away, I decided to import the ones I liked to my iPod. What are friends for, right?
My BFF is a big fan of soundtracks, which, let's face it, are where you find the good music these days. Songs-you-never-knew-existed-but-now-you-like all in one place? Fantastic. Throw in a couple greatest-hits-albums-you-wouldn't-buy-yourself-but-should-own-just-in-case, a few artists-never-heard-of-but-listened-to-for-a-sec-and-thought-eh-why-not and classical-music-so-you-look-well-rounded and you're good.
My next party is going to rock simply because of my playlist.
I currently have
And that's how I spent my Saturday.
Monday, April 19, 2010
I love my GPS (aka I hate my GPS)
So, I went to DC over the weekend to visit my BFF and her two little boys. I have always loved this drive. It's 6 hours from here, which is far enough, but not too far. It's easily broken up into mini-trips. Roughly 1 hour to the Ohio line, 3 hours on the Pennsylvania Turnpike, and 2 hours on I-70/I-270 to get to DC. I always stop to get gas and a fountain coke in Breezewood, PA. I have 6 hours of uninterrupted iPod. It's a nice trip.
Some things have changed with the drive in the years I've been making this trip. Instead of driving a Mercury Topaz, I drive a minivan. Instead of mixed tapes, I listen to playlists. Most of the funny signs are gone and Breezewood has become a booming metropolis. But, Pennsylvania still doesn't mess around, Maryland is still very friendly and Virginia is still clever.
And DC drivers are still lunatics.
Because I am aware of this and know my way around, I was driving amongst them instead of against them. I've also realized this time that speed limits are merely a suggestion in the district. I was concentrating on where I was going, so I didn't miss my turnoff, and didn't notice a police car behind me while I was driving at least 10 miles over the speed limit. I changed lanes and he? Just passed me like it was nothing. So, yeah. Speed limits don't matter.
Things I learned on my trip:
1. Speed limits in DC don't matter.
2. It takes 128 songs on my iPod to get to DC. I tried not to skip any.
3. Mrs. GPS is a savior. On my way into town. Never steers (get it? steers? ha!) me wrong.
4. Mrs. GPS is a bitch. On the way out of town. (How is it I get lost every single time I leave? And she is no help. Normally, she's telling me, "In 1.1 inches, veer left on I-270." On the freakin' highway. Every 5 seconds. When there's really no other place for me to go. But on the side streets? Nothing. Until I hear, "Recalculating." Because I missed the damturnoff. Again. Hate. Her.)
5. It is possible to love someone else's children as much as you love your own.
6. Infants wake in the middle of the night. Often. (See the things you forget after a while?)
7. A little Tylenol never hurt said infants. And they sleep for 4 hours straight afterward.
8. I can sleep sitting up, holding an infant. For 4 hours. (I forgot that, too)
9. Always bring comfortable shoes (which I did). And break them in beforehand (which I did not).
10. There's no place like home.
Great trip. Glad I'm home.
Some things have changed with the drive in the years I've been making this trip. Instead of driving a Mercury Topaz, I drive a minivan. Instead of mixed tapes, I listen to playlists. Most of the funny signs are gone and Breezewood has become a booming metropolis. But, Pennsylvania still doesn't mess around, Maryland is still very friendly and Virginia is still clever.
And DC drivers are still lunatics.
Because I am aware of this and know my way around, I was driving amongst them instead of against them. I've also realized this time that speed limits are merely a suggestion in the district. I was concentrating on where I was going, so I didn't miss my turnoff, and didn't notice a police car behind me while I was driving at least 10 miles over the speed limit. I changed lanes and he? Just passed me like it was nothing. So, yeah. Speed limits don't matter.
Things I learned on my trip:
1. Speed limits in DC don't matter.
2. It takes 128 songs on my iPod to get to DC. I tried not to skip any.
3. Mrs. GPS is a savior. On my way into town. Never steers (get it? steers? ha!) me wrong.
4. Mrs. GPS is a bitch. On the way out of town. (How is it I get lost every single time I leave? And she is no help. Normally, she's telling me, "In 1.1 inches, veer left on I-270." On the freakin' highway. Every 5 seconds. When there's really no other place for me to go. But on the side streets? Nothing. Until I hear, "Recalculating." Because I missed the damturnoff. Again. Hate. Her.)
5. It is possible to love someone else's children as much as you love your own.
6. Infants wake in the middle of the night. Often. (See the things you forget after a while?)
7. A little Tylenol never hurt said infants. And they sleep for 4 hours straight afterward.
8. I can sleep sitting up, holding an infant. For 4 hours. (I forgot that, too)
9. Always bring comfortable shoes (which I did). And break them in beforehand (which I did not).
10. There's no place like home.
Great trip. Glad I'm home.
Monday, April 12, 2010
I can see clearly now
So, I had to go to the eye doctor for my yearly (or, in my case, every-other-year-ly) check-up today.
I have been wearing glasses for over 20 years. My first pair of glasses, in 7th grade, were a rose-tinted number (what was my mother thinking?) that were bigger than my face (seriously, what WAS she thinking??). Those glasses were a fitting accessory to the braces I already had.
Oh yeah. I was hot.
I used to get my eyes checked at Sears Optical. They do a decent job for people without eye problems. But, the last couple years, I've been having troubles seeing with my contacts, so I had decided to see a REAL eye doctor (no offense, Sears, but you sell appliances and yard tools).
I ended up spending an hour and a half in their offices (one point for Sears). To be fair, I saw the doctor and the contacts specialist (one point for eye center), so I suppose it wasn't too bad. Plus, I was able to spend quality time with my iPhone while I waited for the pupil dilation to kick in.
Yeeeeaaah, pupil dilation. That's something Sears had never done (one point for Sears?), so, this was my first experience. A little warning would have been nice. I suppose I had heard stories about making sure you had someone drive you home. And I had seen those big ass black glasses people wear afterward. But no one told me when I made the appointment that that would be me.
I sat there for a minute, amazed that I could see perfectly clearly up close without glasses and that my glasses made everything blurry. For a split second, I thought I was cured and no longer needed glasses. Pupil dilation rocks.
But then I looked up. Not so good. As a matter of fact... bad. Even with glasses. So, since I couldn't focus on anything up close, I spent the time sending my sister random texts.
me: eyes dilated. can't see.
me: ooh, but it's kind of cool i can see better without my glasses.
her: hee. did they give you some painkillers, too?
her: hallucinogens?
me: does a numbing agent for my eyes count?
me: maybe it went to my brain.
her: i think so.
me: i love larry the contacts guy.
me: yikes. eyes getting worse.
me: hee, i do sound stoned.
her: who's driving you home?!
me: um, me? i have to sit here for 10 minutes.
me: i need popou's sunglasses.
me: this is a fun place to work. i wonder if they're hiring?
her: you're awfully random-y.
me: i should've brought a book. you think i'm insane.
her: no, i think you're high.
me: all my nails have broken.
her: heeeeee. you're hilarious.
me: and i'm hungry.
Then they sent me out into the blinding sun. It was like those times I went to happy hour and surprised I was drunk while it was still light outside. It might've been safer had I driven with my eyes closed.
me: omg, i can't see sheet. it's dambright out here. i have sunglasses on top of my glasses.
(Note: This is probably a good time to point out that texting while driving, on top of not seeing is, in fact, very dangerous. Kids, don't try this at home.)
I got home. Barely.
me: i could not see the whole ride home.
me: but i was still able to stop at mcdonald's for a coke.
her: hee.
I have been wearing glasses for over 20 years. My first pair of glasses, in 7th grade, were a rose-tinted number (what was my mother thinking?) that were bigger than my face (seriously, what WAS she thinking??). Those glasses were a fitting accessory to the braces I already had.
Oh yeah. I was hot.
I used to get my eyes checked at Sears Optical. They do a decent job for people without eye problems. But, the last couple years, I've been having troubles seeing with my contacts, so I had decided to see a REAL eye doctor (no offense, Sears, but you sell appliances and yard tools).
I ended up spending an hour and a half in their offices (one point for Sears). To be fair, I saw the doctor and the contacts specialist (one point for eye center), so I suppose it wasn't too bad. Plus, I was able to spend quality time with my iPhone while I waited for the pupil dilation to kick in.
Yeeeeaaah, pupil dilation. That's something Sears had never done (one point for Sears?), so, this was my first experience. A little warning would have been nice. I suppose I had heard stories about making sure you had someone drive you home. And I had seen those big ass black glasses people wear afterward. But no one told me when I made the appointment that that would be me.
I sat there for a minute, amazed that I could see perfectly clearly up close without glasses and that my glasses made everything blurry. For a split second, I thought I was cured and no longer needed glasses. Pupil dilation rocks.
But then I looked up. Not so good. As a matter of fact... bad. Even with glasses. So, since I couldn't focus on anything up close, I spent the time sending my sister random texts.
me: eyes dilated. can't see.
me: ooh, but it's kind of cool i can see better without my glasses.
her: hee. did they give you some painkillers, too?
her: hallucinogens?
me: does a numbing agent for my eyes count?
me: maybe it went to my brain.
her: i think so.
me: i love larry the contacts guy.
me: yikes. eyes getting worse.
me: hee, i do sound stoned.
her: who's driving you home?!
me: um, me? i have to sit here for 10 minutes.
me: i need popou's sunglasses.
me: this is a fun place to work. i wonder if they're hiring?
her: you're awfully random-y.
me: i should've brought a book. you think i'm insane.
her: no, i think you're high.
me: all my nails have broken.
her: heeeeee. you're hilarious.
me: and i'm hungry.
Then they sent me out into the blinding sun. It was like those times I went to happy hour and surprised I was drunk while it was still light outside. It might've been safer had I driven with my eyes closed.
me: omg, i can't see sheet. it's dambright out here. i have sunglasses on top of my glasses.
(Note: This is probably a good time to point out that texting while driving, on top of not seeing is, in fact, very dangerous. Kids, don't try this at home.)
I got home. Barely.
me: i could not see the whole ride home.
me: but i was still able to stop at mcdonald's for a coke.
her: hee.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Don't ask, don't tell
So, today, I ran a few errands at lunch. I decided to pick up Robeks on the way back to work, which, at the time, seemed like an excellent idea. But, as I was getting into my car, the wind took hold of my car door and slammed it up against the car next to me.
Damn.
It was a pretty big scrape on his passenger side door. Luckily, nothing happened to my car.
In the spirit of the Easter season, I decided to wait for the owner of the vehicle so that I could... I don't know, give my insurance information? Mostly, I was hoping the guy would tell me to forget about it so I could drive away guilt-free.
I waited 10 minutes. Then figured I had plenty of dings on my car from people who hit me and ran. At least I had tried. I had done my duty. And, I took off.
Of course, I told my friend the story and she was all, "You could've left a note." Oh suuurree. I had just rationalized my behavior. I had felt exonerated. And now I feel the guilt again. Jerk.
The good news is that his license plate was out of state, so hopefully we never run into (literally) each other again.
Damn.
It was a pretty big scrape on his passenger side door. Luckily, nothing happened to my car.
In the spirit of the Easter season, I decided to wait for the owner of the vehicle so that I could... I don't know, give my insurance information? Mostly, I was hoping the guy would tell me to forget about it so I could drive away guilt-free.
I waited 10 minutes. Then figured I had plenty of dings on my car from people who hit me and ran. At least I had tried. I had done my duty. And, I took off.
Of course, I told my friend the story and she was all, "You could've left a note." Oh suuurree. I had just rationalized my behavior. I had felt exonerated. And now I feel the guilt again. Jerk.
The good news is that his license plate was out of state, so hopefully we never run into (literally) each other again.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Love means never having to say you're sorry
So, yesterday, I took a walk on my lunch break to enjoy the final days of spring before winter comes back at the end of this week, slapping us in the face and saying "Thought you could get rid of me that easily, bitches?!" Fucking winter.
Anyway, I was minding my own business when I was nearly run down by the Baby Buggy Brigade.
Look, I have children, too. I'm way more aware of the people around me when my children are with me. When my 2-year-old throws a golf ball at a stranger's head? I apologize. That's the nice thing to do. I am constantly apologizing for my children, even though they are pretty well behaved in public (private is a whole 'nother story).
But, because children are unruly by nature, it is my job as the parent to a) teach my children how to behave and b) apologize for them when they don't listen(and c) beat them later). Do I receive the same consideration? Nay, I do not. I didn't even receive the helpless shrug some mothers use when their child kicks you in the shin for no good reason.
I get that it's spring break and the weather's nice and these children need fresh air. But for goodness' sakes, women, keep your kids in line. And out of my way. Just because you have a stroller does not mean you always have the right of way.
But then, my in-laws invited us over last night to show off their new Siamese kittens. My in-laws, while they love our children dearly, are not children people. We know this and limit our visits to their house.
Secretly, I have this image of us as a tornado when we visit them. Their house is calm, clean, composed. Then we come in, destroy everything in our path (while I'm constantly apologizing and telling the boys to stop touching… well, anything of theirs, really), and then we leave. They're left to pick up the pieces of their shattered existence (and possessions) and I’m crying from sheer exhaustion and guilt.
But, hey, at least I apologize! I should really send them a note.
"Thanks for the visit (sorry we broke your stuff). But the kittens are cute (sorry we almost killed them). Next time, come to our house. Love, us."
Anyway, I was minding my own business when I was nearly run down by the Baby Buggy Brigade.
Look, I have children, too. I'm way more aware of the people around me when my children are with me. When my 2-year-old throws a golf ball at a stranger's head? I apologize. That's the nice thing to do. I am constantly apologizing for my children, even though they are pretty well behaved in public (private is a whole 'nother story).
But, because children are unruly by nature, it is my job as the parent to a) teach my children how to behave and b) apologize for them when they don't listen
I get that it's spring break and the weather's nice and these children need fresh air. But for goodness' sakes, women, keep your kids in line. And out of my way. Just because you have a stroller does not mean you always have the right of way.
But then, my in-laws invited us over last night to show off their new Siamese kittens. My in-laws, while they love our children dearly, are not children people. We know this and limit our visits to their house.
Secretly, I have this image of us as a tornado when we visit them. Their house is calm, clean, composed. Then we come in, destroy everything in our path (while I'm constantly apologizing and telling the boys to stop touching… well, anything of theirs, really), and then we leave. They're left to pick up the pieces of their shattered existence (and possessions) and I’m crying from sheer exhaustion and guilt.
But, hey, at least I apologize! I should really send them a note.
"Thanks for the visit (sorry we broke your stuff). But the kittens are cute (sorry we almost killed them). Next time, come to our house. Love, us."
Monday, April 5, 2010
A little shoes go a long way
So, my least favorite month is over (hooray!). With April came nicer weather, Easter and an awesome painful excrescence above my right ear.
What's an excrescence, you ask?
Definition: swollen object
Synonyms: appendage, blob, bump, convexity, distention, gibbosity (a favorite), growth, hump, intumescence (another good one), lump, nodule, protrusion, tuberosity, tumor (tumor!)
Last week started out simply enough. I had to work Monday morning, so my mother came to watch the boys. When I came home, she and I were talking when I noticed this gibbosity above my right ear. And it hurt.
To make myself feel better, I bought an adorable pair of shoes online.
I waited until Wednesday to see the doctor. Turns out the protrusion was a cyst. (I was elated it wasn't little spider babies or whatever other horror stories my coworkers told me.) I went in on Thursday to have it removed. An hour of tugging and 10 shots of Novicaine later, I was given an antibiotic, some good pain medication, and was sent home.
To make myself feel better, I blurrily looked at shoes online (those pills were awesome). (And since you're not supposed to make any important decisions while on this medication, I decided not to buy anything.)
Sunday, after the Easter egg hunt in our yard, we decided to go shopping. I remembered stores being open on Easter Sunday in my days in retail. Turns out they aren't open anymore. Wimps. But DSW was! Hey!
To make up for the hour of driving pointlessly around town, I bought a pair of shoes. You know, so the trip wasn't for nothing.
Today, I got an email from DSW, offering a coupon and free shipping. How could I say no? I owed it to myself. I have this growth on my head (which, you know, could have been a tumor - I was practically dead!), my head still hurts, and I didn't get candy for Easter...
So, to celebrate... Monday, I bought another pair of shoes. Yay Monday!
What's an excrescence, you ask?
Definition: swollen object
Synonyms: appendage, blob, bump, convexity, distention, gibbosity (a favorite), growth, hump, intumescence (another good one), lump, nodule, protrusion, tuberosity, tumor (tumor!)
Last week started out simply enough. I had to work Monday morning, so my mother came to watch the boys. When I came home, she and I were talking when I noticed this gibbosity above my right ear. And it hurt.
To make myself feel better, I bought an adorable pair of shoes online.
I waited until Wednesday to see the doctor. Turns out the protrusion was a cyst. (I was elated it wasn't little spider babies or whatever other horror stories my coworkers told me.) I went in on Thursday to have it removed. An hour of tugging and 10 shots of Novicaine later, I was given an antibiotic, some good pain medication, and was sent home.
To make myself feel better, I blurrily looked at shoes online (those pills were awesome). (And since you're not supposed to make any important decisions while on this medication, I decided not to buy anything.)
Sunday, after the Easter egg hunt in our yard, we decided to go shopping. I remembered stores being open on Easter Sunday in my days in retail. Turns out they aren't open anymore. Wimps. But DSW was! Hey!
To make up for the hour of driving pointlessly around town, I bought a pair of shoes. You know, so the trip wasn't for nothing.
Today, I got an email from DSW, offering a coupon and free shipping. How could I say no? I owed it to myself. I have this growth on my head (which, you know, could have been a tumor - I was practically dead!), my head still hurts, and I didn't get candy for Easter...
So, to celebrate... Monday, I bought another pair of shoes. Yay Monday!
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