Hotel, motel, Holiday INN!

I will never look at the world the same way. Not after what I've just been through.

So, I spent yesterday with some friends from work. Instead of going skiing for the day, we decided to go bowling and dancing (sorry, Al, but yay for me!). After a few games of bowling (high score of 122 - woo!), we went to a local brewery for dinner. The plan was to go dancing downtown, but I knew, if we did, we were going to lose our group. My girlfriend's friend was going to a Holiday Inn to go dancing, so she suggested we meet up with her.

(sound of record scratching) Hold on a sec. Holiday Inn? As in the hotel? Was I missing something? Since when did the Holiday Inn become the hot spot? Looked like I was going to find out.

After leaving the rest of our group, my friend and I made our way to the Holiday Inn. I had prepared myself for a quiet piano bar, older people drinking scotch or brandy.

Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw.

I was dumbfounded. The place was packed, the disco ball spinning, the dance floor filled with middle-aged (non)dancers shaking their groove thangs. Lots of balding guys wearing silk shirts unbuttoned to their navels, gold chains proudly hanging from their thick hairy necks. Women in brightly colored dresses, high heels.  Boobs all over the place. I think I saw a few nipples. Did I mention there were boobs? Everywhere?

Boobs. Everywhere.

I needed a drink. I needed 2 drinks.

We made our way over to the group. They were there celebrating a 40th birthday. I'll tell ya, this is where I'm coming for my birthday. And my sister's birthday. And every friend's birthday this year. The music wasn't bad. I had my drinks in hand, groovin' to the music. I could see this becoming my new hangout. I was even carded on our way in. My guess is it was because I was under 60, but I was not complaining.

I was drinking the Kool-Aid until the band came out. Picture 60-year-old wannabe... um, not sure what they wanted to be. They started their set with a Dr. Dre song. Really? These guys were white. And old. Do they even know who Dr. Dre is? But, I have to admit, they could rap better than me and I fancy myself a pretty awesome rapper. So, I went along with it. That required a few more drinks. Because, after a few songs, they slowed it down. Which was a good thing because those boobs needed a break.

"Always and foreva... each moment witchoo... it's just like a dream to me..." Yikes. If that wasn't bad enough, they then played some Kenny G. Who was this band anyway? I prayed for them to go on break again so we could hear the DJ play some fun music.

While we waited, I made friends with some people at my table. A man and his girlfriend (surprisingly, both under the age of 60), told me they'd been here before. I was instructed to wait until later when the transvestites come out. They also told stories of the Asian prostitution ring infiltrating the hotel. (I never saw the transvestites, but I believe I danced next to a group of Asian prostitutes) What a fun and interesting place. I am totally coming here again next week.

The DJ came out and we danced some more. Boobs. Everywhere. I was sure one lady was going to give herself a black eye. Another woman's top was so tight and squished her girls up so far, she had created a chin rest. For everyone dancing near her.

Yeah. Boobs. Everywhere.

Additionally, the place was swarming with 80-year-old security/bouncer-type people. I had already gotten into trouble for having my drink out on the dance floor. Now there was a man up on stage, arms crossed, trying to look menacing, but I think he was more worried about falling off the stage and breaking a hip.  I know I was worried for him.

But, I will be forever grateful to the 70-year-old man who taught me a new line dance last night. I wouldn't be this person today if weren't for you. And the Holiday Inn.

I might recover someday.

Only thing we have to fear is fear itself

So, over the past couple weeks, there's been one commercial constantly running on TV. It's a preview for the movie, The Lovely Bones. Years ago, my sister tried to get me to read the book, but after learning it was about a ghost, I was all, "Thanks, but... it'll be a cold day in hell before I read that." But anyway, this commercial has a creepy girl saying stupid shit like:

"My name is Suzy. I was 14 years old... when I was MURDERED!"

Dude, shut UP. She's dead, right? Does she not know that she scares the crap out of me? And the damn commercial is on ALL. THE. TIME. God. It was on the other night while I was watching TV in bed and then, of course, I couldn't fall asleep.

I think you can gather that I have a fear of ghosts. It started a long time ago when I saw an awful movie called The Exorcist. I was 10, we were in California, visiting family. I have no idea what possessed (ahh! possession is what scares me!) us to watch this movie, but I didn't sleep for a week. And my brother (older brother, I might add) slept on the floor of my parents' bedroom for the rest of that trip (sorry, (brother), for giving away your secret).

Aaanyway, so yeah, ghosts. Or rather, mean-spirited ghosts/demons who want to possess us.

But this commercial got me thinking about my other fears. When I was younger, I had about a million of them. Thunderstorms (or more specifically, the tornado that would tear up our house and kill us), men with facial hair (all men with facial hair are hiding something), meatloaf (you can't trust a loaf made of meat).

Over the years, I have conquered most of these fears. I saw the movie Twister and decided if those people can get that close to a tornado and not get sucked up and die, I'm certainly not going to die. Facial hair? Well, when I started dating my husband, he had some silly soul patch on his chin. I made him get rid of it. I'll argue that it was because it looked stupid not because of any fear. Still don't like meatloaf, but that's just common sense.

I think I have now narrowed my fears to 3:

• Ghosts - which we've covered (a little too much for comfort, actually)
• Throwing up - I don't know anyone who really enjoys it, but I also don't know anyone who avoids it like I do
• Heights

Heights. This is an oldie but a goodie. Not sure how it started, none of my siblings caught it. But I do know my first airplane ride was not a pleasant experience for anyone involved... or within a 5 mile radius of me.

My mom decided my first ever plane ride should be to Greece. I was 8. Why don't we pick a destination further away? I hear Bora Bora is awesome. While boarding my (second-ever) flight at JFK, I pitched one hell of a fit. I screamed that my dad would come get me and I was NOT getting on that plane.

Mom or the flight attendant jammed some white pill down my throat and away we went.

Since then, my flying experiences have been less traumatic, but not much less. I still panic and I once skipped a spring break trip to the Bahamas the morning of my flight (again, very sorry, sister). You'd think I'd be more rational about it, with my brother being a pilot and all.

But my fear of heights is not limited to flying. Tall buildings... you'll never catch me in a hot air balloon... ski lifts. I was in the ski club in high school and I hated riding the ski lift. Just thinking now about how high you are off the ground makes my legs tingle. And my friends are trying to get me to go skiing this weekend. For. Get. It. What's wrong with a little bowling and a lot of drinking?!

With 2 of my fears surrounding me this week, it's a wonder I ever sleep.