Fuuuuudge (aka Sorry Mom)

I love to swear.  For someone who doesn't do drugs or have really big hobbies, swearing is my vice.

Don't fucking judge me.

I come from a long lineage of swearers (we're very proud).  My mother?  Big swearer (and would be horrified I told people that).  She defends herself by reminding me she doesn't drop the F bomb, which, to that I say she's missing a huge opportunity.  I mean, it's the best one.  My maternal grandfather?  Also a swearer.  He moved in with us after my grandmother passed away.  I had heard some choice phrases living with him. 

Example:  The damn cat shit in my room.

Not funny.  But also?  Hilarious.

Picture an 80-year-old man with a heavy Greek accent saying that.

The dame ket seet een meye rrrrrrrroom. 

Bwahaha!

The thing about swearing is that clean words just don't pack the same punch.  My MIL was a firm believer that sometimes, only fuck will do.  And?  She was brilliant. 

The guy who cut you off? Jerk.
The co-worker who took the last donut? Fucking asshat.

Of course, having young mimicable ears around me most of my day limits my pastime.  I end up saving it all for my mommy nights out, leaving my mommy friends to rethink friendships with me (and their children's friendships with mine).  It is true I spent an entire weekend away with my cousins pontificating swear words at every opportunity.  I even decorated my weekend beer coozie with that magical word.  It was fucking cathartic.  Later, I go home and refrain from using those words until I am alone again. 

But then something large and heavy (and sometimes pointy) lands on my toe.  Or I step on a fucking Lego.  And... I'm sorry, I can't promise anything.

You have to admit (or maybe it's because I'm an asshole), it's entertaining to hear little voices spout obscenities.  I have caught my wee little ones saying some bad things over the years.  While I'm horrified those words came out of such sweet angelic faces, I can't help but giggle-cough when it happens.

Example:  When my 8-year-old was about 2 or 3, my sister asked him if he was the bomb diggity (as his teacher said he was).  His response?

No godamit (see how I made it all one word?  So it's not blasphemy?)  (See how I can justify anything?).

Or, when my 5-year-old says, "I have twicks that wiw bwow youw stinkin' mind off" or "My buttcwack says goodnight, too".

I'm going to get to know the principal very well when that kid starts fucking Kindergarten.

However, I mostly enjoy the made-up words my sister and I use.  You know, eff instead of fuck, sheet instead of shit, beach instead of bitch.  They're funny and, in turn, don't make me look like a total fucking asshole not nice person. 

And they are totally words that can pass through work email.  Wait, what?  Sheet.