So, it's finally summer vacation. There's no need to rush in the morning, there's no homework at night. Why isn't every day like summer vacation? Why do my kids need an education anyway? They're overachievers at Candy Crush, which is all they need to survive in this world.
(insert Charlie Brown's teacher's voice)
Wait. It isn't?
Damn.
Since
Candy Crush has made me become a neglectful asshole to my children the last few
months, I have committed myself to making this summer the hap-hap-happiest one
the boys have ever seen. (And I can say
that because it’s still the beginning of summer and I haven’t gotten anywhere close
to failing.)
School has been out for about 2 weeks. I
was a good parent by putting down my damphone long enough to drive to each of
their end-of-year ceremonies (but then picked up the damphone to take
pictures [my phone is great and awful, I have a hard time staying mad at it]).
Now that we’re home, I want to make memories.
My mother did tons of stuff with us when we were kids. Unfortunately, we remember none of it (sorry,
Mom!), but at least she has some good memories.
And, deep down, I know those memories are in me somewhere and will keep
me warm when I’m old and alone in a dilapidated nursing home because I didn’t have
girls and my daughters-in-law refuse to take me in. I know I had a wonderful childhood and would gladly
give my right arm to experience again the warm peanut butter and jelly
sandwiches and cold Dr. Peppers at the neighborhood pool of my youth.
I want my kids to give away their arms, too.
So, we’re going to have fun this summer, damit.
And, here we are, the Summer of Fun (damit).
First stop? The library.
Oh, you read that right. We went to the
library. Because, according to our
principal, our kids get stupid over the summer and it’s our job to make sure
they don’t get too stupid. So, we’re reading every day. And by “read”, I mean “they read, I play
Candy Crush”.
I see you raising your eyebrows, lady in the third row. Judge not lest ye be judged, yo.
Unfortunately, it’s been 40 degrees and rainy to begin our summer vacation, so
there hasn’t been a chance to eat warm peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at
the pool. Because we have a visitor
every Wednesday and I wanted to make sure he had fun, I needed to be more
creative. It’s one thing to disappoint
your own children (what else is therapy for?), it’s quite another to disappoint
someone else’s.
Who cares what the motivation is as long as we’re motivated, mIright?
So, we’ve visited the zoo. We have a
yearly pass, which pays for itself with one visit. Now, we can go to the zoo first thing in the
morning, see our favorite animals (Hi, giraffes!) and get the hello out of there
(Bye, giraffes!).
This week, the weather is finally cooperating.
We were able to go to the nature center (Hi, tadpoles! Bye, tadpoles!) and the beach (Hi, trash in
the sand! Be careful, don’t step on that
glass! Clean up after yourselves, you
punk kids!) and finally (finally!) the pool yesterday. The 5-year-old jumped in without hesitation…
and forgot he had to actually swim in
order to not drown.
Details.
I’m also chronicling our adventures on Instagram. You guys?
I don’t get Instagram. I mean, I
know what I use it for. I like to take
my silly pictures and make them pretty.
But… then what? You post them so
people can like them? And you now feel
vindicated because someone does, in fact, like them? What’s Facebook for then?
And now that I’ve wasted precious minutes writing this post, I must get back to
my Summer of Fun. Next stop: The MOON!
Beat that, lady in the third row.
