This get-together was no exception. Everyone was in good spirits, the food was delicious; it was a good time. But, things took a turn for the worse for me soon after we arrived and I made one fateful decision. And if I could invent a time machine, I know the exact moment I would go back to change a decision I had made.
The moment an alcoholic beverage was offered to me.
If I could go back, I would politely refuse and kindly request a Diet Coke.
Instead, I stupidly accepted the proffered glass of white wine. Sure, it was only 1:00 in the afternoon, but what the hello? It was a beautiful sunny Sunday and the wine looked so refreshing. One glass with brunch couldn’t hurt.
Of course, one glass turned to 3 (the husband assures me I had more than 3, but 3 is what I remember and I’m sticking to it – as a matter of fact, I think the wine was laced with something and someone should be sued) and soon, I was swearing like a drunken sailor at the husband’s uncle because we don’t see them more often. I made the husband’s aunt cry by telling her how much we miss them. Then
In the car, I knew things weren’t going to end well for me. I didn’t feel drunk until the fresh air hit me and I realized I had to act normally for other people. It was like leaving a bar while it was still light out. It felt wrong. In the uncle’s house, it was easier; everyone was drunk and probably didn’t notice what an idiot I was being. I was now going to my family’s house where no one was drunk. Yet.
We arrived at my parents’ and it was obvious to everyone I couldn’t stay for dinner. So, the husband and I left our children to their own devices (I hope someone made sure they ate
It was 6:30. PM, people.
I woke at 3am, not knowing where I was or how I got there. I’ve seen these events take place in movies. Where the heroine 1) awakes with a start, 2) checks to see (a) what she’s wearing and (b) who she’s sleeping next to, but I’ve never had that happen to me before. Not even in college.
I find I’m normally a great drunk. I
But here, it was 3am and I was wide awake. As I should’ve been, after 9 hours of sleep. I never get 9 hours of sleep. So, I went downstairs to watch TV. After 3 movies, 1 round of dry heaves, 2 popsicles and 2 Diet Cokes, I was ready to take on the world.
But, it got me thinking. White wine and I are not really friends. She may call out to me like we're best friends, but we don't have good times together. My last experience with white wine was about 10 years ago. It was the husband’s birthday and we were celebrating with his family (again, his family) for dinner. My MIL had these wine glasses the size of fishbowls and kept refilling my somehow-always-empty glass. I don't even like the taste of white wine.
So, I was drunk before we even left for the restaurant. We ordered a bottle of wine (my suggestion – idiot) of which I drank over half, came back to their house, where I tripped over… carpeting. We had a Christmas party to go to that night after this dinner, where I fell backwards over a couch. In a skirt. Legs in air.
It was, again, time for me to
White wine is a bitch.
See, if I had that time machine and could go back to that night, I would do it all differently. I would’ve kindly requested something nonalcoholic. I would’ve been sober at the Christmas party and not let some very personal information slip into the wrong hands. Several wrong hands (thanks, Mar, for reminding me). I wouldn’t have accidentally shown everyone my naughty bits. I would’ve gone to church in the morning. I would’ve gone to the football game for which we had (50-yard line) tickets. I wouldn't have spent most of the next day vomiting and begging the husband to save himself.
And I wouldn't have to hear about it every time I drink.
On the other hand, time travel would also come in handy to fast forward through the hangover part.
Scientists need to up their game. I can’t take much more of this.
